Ethics of Drinking with Friends

I’ve come up with simple rules that a person can follow to maintain code of decorum while drinking with friends. I give thanks to a friend who managed to piss me off enough by talking about unwanted-stress-causing things in the night, which inspired such an outburst.

Rule #1 : Before your first drink scan the room for a place where it is appropriate to puke and move closer with each drink.

Rule #2 : Switch off your phone. Everything can wait for tomorrow/voicemail when you go to pee.

Rule #3 : If the world is spinning, its time to stop the binge-ing.

Rule #4 : If you feel a tingle of horniness, its time to take a nap/cold shower.

Rule #5 : Thou shall not be nice to people you are mean to otherwise. It is not nice to confuse people’s emotions without warning.

Rule #6 : All public displays of affection will be kept slim. Only acts that you would be willing to bestow on everyone in the room are allowed. It’s best to keep it simple i.e. handshake, hug, slap on the back.

Rule #7 : Everything is shared. You don’t get to keep the bottle of vodka next to you. If you do, I might pee on it to taint your territory.

Rule #8 : Whiners and sympathy gainers are to be encouraged to sleep and not encouraged.

Rule #9 : God shrinks your balls every time you let your friend dance alone.

Rule #10 : Any person who treats men and women differently will be shot/given enough shots to make them pass out.