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Ginger, my self-esteem, was twelve and hurt. Her friends had called her names and said some untruths about her in front of everybody. She was worried. “What will they think of me? Will the rest of them know that what they said was untrue?!! Why oh why didn’t I stand up for myself.” She paced the floor of the bathroom getting madder and madder. She had fled away from the scene, not knowing what to do and how to deal with it.
“Oh my God!! I hope Z didn’t hear.” Ginger had secretly adored Z since kindergarden. He unfortunately had pinned her to be a “really good close friend”. The thought that Z might have heard sparked a desire in her to stand up for herself. As she thought about it, something amazing happened. Her right hand felt heavy. She looked down, smiled, knowing instinctively that she was loved and unafraid.
She cringed inside at the task but shook it off. She walked out of the bathroom with her head held high and stomped into class. The professor was teaching. He waved her in and signaled her to sit down. Ginger walked upto Sandra, the head bully, and showed her the Finger. The class gasped and the teacher turned around from the blackboard. The sight ahead startled him too. Ginger’s Finger was twice the size of a regular person and Ginger’s entire demeanor along with the Finger was menacing. It was as though the Finger was a force field forcing everyone to back off. The teacher himself found that he was unable to interwene. The Finger stood between Sandra and Ginger until Sandra whimpered.
Everything’s stuck, Everything’s in-between, and I cannot do a thing, Except live this in-between.
I am overwhelmed. I cannot say I do not like where my life is heading and neither can I say I dislike where I have been. I just do not like where I am.
Ginger, my self-esteem, had just turned two. It was a gloomy day with rain and storm and Ginger was not happy. Ginger had the slightest notion that she had brought the bad weather upon herself. She was in a crabby disposition to begin with.
“This cannot be happening…”,she thought. “My hand hurts on my birthday.”
Now most people would consider a hand-ache not to be a distraction from a great celebration like a birthday but not this family. Ginger’s family, the Fingers, had a secret they held among themselves. The most obvious of which was that all of them had delicate hands. The slightest of paper cuts would induce a banshee-like shrill from the butchest of males. Most of them held their tongues and kept exclaims of pain inside because they understood the pain was the side-product of great greatness. The Fingers, literally held in their hands, the greatest power in the world. The power that could make the Kings weak and the Princesses weap. But not Ginger. She resented the power and did nothing to keep that thought to herself.
to be contd… Part 3 is here.
Ginger, my self esteem, was a fun-loving girl with regular fingers and regular toes. When she was young, her family, skilled in witchcraft, put a spell on her. Why, you could say, would a family willingly curse one of their own? The reason is always as simple as-to protect her from herself.
Finding fault is not so fun,
But my child it needs to be done,
What will protect you, sure ain’t your thumb.
When your sad and learn to save yourself,
Something will rise and get off the shelf,
It ll come to light, to be your sword,
Use it well and unleash discord.
We’ll help you some and make it big,
Give you the family’s only rig,
Give you the family’s only rig.”,
sang the family, surrounding Ginger who had just turned one, each clasping one toe and carrying the child between them suspended. The baby roared with fear and pain wishing to understand the chanting. The frustration of the unexplained pain cause hurt in her delicate heart and she blamed her parents. “How dare they!!”, she thought. As she felt emotionally hurt, something weird happened. Her right hand felt heavier. She was sure that one of her fingers twitched but she couldn’t be sure. Both her hands looked alike so she pushed the thought aside to focus on the present. The chanting had stopped and her family was gathered around her. “It worked!! Look!!”, exclaimed her mom. “Well, at least they are happy.”, thought Ginger and drifted off to sleep.
There are times when all of us face our truths and watch them melt against reality. The reality of our lives cause us to change what we believe in or at least face a situation under which all we stand for backfires in our face. In such times, we will fall apart if it wasn’t for the basic glue that holds us together. For me, that glue has always been my mom.
When I feel like I can count on no one and feel all alone, my mommy always talks to me. When I feel like I dont deserve to be loved and am backed up against a wall burdened with guilt, my mommy still likes me. When I dont know what to believe and am facing a moral crossroad, my mommy always supports me. When I’ve wronged and don’t know how to fix it, my mommy always forgives me. When I feel ugly and can’t face myself in the mirror, my mommy thinks I’m pretty.
In every situation, over every amazing person, above all comfort, above all money and above herself, I know my mommy always will choose me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world because my mommy loves me.
Why don’t you like me?
Step 1 : Find a source of joy that will not wilt in the face of hard trying times. This source of joy should be able to instill in you a sense of purpose when all in the world seems bleak. This could be something simple like food and hanging out with friends, or complex like joining a dance class. I, personally, have given myself over to read other people’s blogs/poetry and troubling my friends with company.
Step 2 : Actually find jobs.
Step 3 : Actually apply to jobs.
Step 4 : Actually believe people will want to interview you.
Step 5 : Actually study and feel smart for the interview.
You’ll get there.
I am what I am not as much as I am what I am.
I can be all there is to be as long as I just let myself be.
If I said what I said and asked you to say it over, I doubt you would say exactly what I said.
I can help you only if you help you.
I want only what I want to want.
How weak can a strong girl be?
I’m worthy of sleep. I just wish I knew how to find it when I need it the most. So I’m awake and I have this feeling inside me that I can’t fight anymore. Its a feeling of disintegration. When everything is coming undone. I am swimming close to the surface but I’m not breaking through it.
Some relationships don’t last. Most of the time the loss involves people your heart could not afford to lose, but you did anyway. And try as you might, the answer on how to fix things remains hiding in the shadows, just out of your reach.
So I tried a couple of things lately that I thought I’d never try. But I did, if nothing for but sheer boredom, and lo and behold, I surprised myself. I really enjoyed them.
The things I tried were typically ‘dull’ things to do. As someone who is on the outside, it looked like unnecessary agression and passion for man-made situations, namely, watching sports and playing video games. What I didn’t realise was what it was actually about. It was about collective commitment for a cause. It was about team-work, skill and allowing everyone a chance to be a hero.
So you people out there, this is typical advice, made of stuff you’ve been hearing since kinder-garden. Take a day off and try something you wouldn’t normally do. It’s worth it.
P.S. I love Counter Strike.
I really have big hopes for you. Of all the things that I want for you, things like love, money, health and friends, what I want more than anything for you to have is a sense of wonder. I hope you learn to use your brain to do things you truly love. And what you love today as a 25 year old, someone who has the best years ahead of her and the strongest roots and support behind her, is a sense of fun in creating something out of nothing. I hope your having fun and if you are, you are successful. There’s no amount of money that can give you the feeling of a hearty laugh, a loving look and collective cheer.
Today, you want to create a space where the human experience counts for a good story and nothing else is valued more. I want you to everyday, look to your left and tell anyone who will listen that you are thankful to be here and you’re glad they are here too to share in your dream. These are people who have made it with you. They deserve your respect and attention and you deserve theirs. Don’t let anyone take that feeling from you.
Also, remember you are loved.